Why I hate this time of year
The following is the script for a podcast essay of mine which you will hear shortly on the Movie Survival Guide Podcast. You get a sneak preview. I'll update this with a link to the show when it's posted.
I hate this time of year. Really. Football season is over, and unless you're into grown men ice skating or 9 foot tall freaks of nature competing to see who has the worst attitude, sports is worthless right now. Even NASCAR doesn't start again for a month, if you're into men driving around in circles way too fast. I can get that on the Washington Beltway . To top it all off, there is nothing fun at the movies. Some people call it "the Dry Season". That's a pleasant little euphemism for "it's all boring" in the theaters.
Some, on the other twisted hand, look forward to this season like some holy grail of movie making. Golden Globes, SAG awards, and that most incestuous awards show ever imagined: The Academy Awards. They don't even call it that anymore ... it's "The Oscars". Like that changes it from a bunch of people that take themselves far too seriously sitting in a room trying to pretend it's an honor just to be nominated.
And so, for the past month, after the build up of the holiday movie season (which was pretty bland last year) we're left with "serious" movies. Movies that are "important" or "relevant". Would someone mind explaining how a gay cowboy movie is relevant to me? What's that? Oh, I'm being told that Brokeback Mountain isn't a gay cowboy movie. I'm sorry ...it's a gay SHEEPHERDER movie. Got it.
Now, I'm all about relevant movies now and again. I love movies that are poignant, and how ever much it might sound like the opposite, I do appreciate the crafting of movies like Brokeback, Munich, Capote, Good Night and the rest. Heck, I think one of the highest ratings I've ever given ANY movie was Waterborne, which is an indie film of the first degree.
But right about now, when it's cold outside and boring inside, when the luster has worn off the shiny new things we got for Christmas. When the lights and tinsel is gone and we look at the calendar and realize we've got at least two and a half more months of winter and nothing fun on the horizon-- Now is when we need ACTION! Adventure! And most of all ... pretty girls and explosions.
Yeah. That's what we're missing: Babes and Bombs! I don't even care if the plot is all that good right now! Just put a hot girl on the hood of a HumVee with a rocket launcher! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Or a really awesome car chase! With cool looking black cars ripping down the LA freeways while a rough but loveable cop tries to save a girl from drug runners or white supremacists.
And what do I get when I'm looking for this little pick-me-up? What do the studios in their wisdom offer us now? Big Momma's House 2, Annapolis, and a host of Oscar hopefuls. Maybe this weekend? No my friends, this weekend we get more of the same, and a horror movie called "When a Stranger Calls." How original. Because I didn't hear this tale around a campfire when I was SEVEN!
I'm crossing my fingers for next week when we get a look at Pink Panther, Curious George, the parody "Date Movie" and the Harrison Ford movie: Firewall. Truth be told I don't have super high hopes. If the studios had more confidence, they would have released them in the holiday season or waited till the movies will make more money in the theaters
So we suffer through. We fans who don't really care about the awards will just hang on and watch our Serenity DVDs and get by on Battlestar Galactica, 24, CSI and what ever we can get from Netflix. Maybe now is the time to cozy up to one of the new online services. Hmmm ... maybe time to try Vongo.
Alright, that's enough. I'm too depressed to keep talking. Until next time something sticks in my craw or a movie worth talking about comes outâ ...I'm Brian ...and I'm done.
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